Lost Truth Page 3

  Alissa didn’t move, shunning the chair Useless had pushed out for her. She hated his rules, and she didn’t appreciate the way he kept trying to get Connen-Neute and her together.

  Connen-Neute hovered by one of the unused hearths, his tall frame hunched and nervous looking. He exchanged a weary look with Alissa that told her he, too, guessed this was going to be one of Useless’s matchmaking exercises.

  Alissa cleared her throat. “No,” she said clearly. “I’m not going to pick berries with Connen-Neute or dig a pond with him or go hunting poor defenseless sheep, or even go down to the holden and copy texts from the pillars onto paper. I want to go to the plains and find my mother. You promised I could once the passes were open.”

  Connen-Neute’s eyes widened, but Useless kept his reaction to a slow breath. “No,” he said. “I said you could go once you pinpointed her location.”

  “But you can’t search past the curve of the earth,” she protested. “I didn’t know that when I agreed to it. She’s too far away! At least let me get close enough so I have a chance.”

  Useless rose. Moving with a predatory slowness, he eased himself down across from her. The irate firmness in his golden eyes made her more angry yet. “It’s time for you to put your fancies aside and accept that you can’t follow your heart,” he said, his few lines seeming to deepen. “There are bigger issues here.”

  Alissa’s stymied emotions bubbled over. “You don’t think I know that Strell will die before my first wrinkle?” she said, keeping just enough presence of mind to keep her tone soft. “You don’t think I know that I can never have raku children with either of them? I hate it. But maybe I’m supposed to be the last. Ever think of that? Maybe it will be better this way.”

  “Alissa . . .” he cajoled. His eyes flicked to Connen-Neute in apology. “What, by my sire’s ashes, is wrong with Connen-Neute?”

  “Nothing,” she admitted. “But I don’t love him.” The words were easy to say as she knew it wouldn’t hurt the sensitive Master at all. He was the only eligible raku left. But Connen-Neute was frightened of Beast and wouldn’t think to pursue Alissa, much to Useless’s confusion and bother.

  Useless leaned back in his chair with a heavy sigh. “Alissa,” he tried again. “We are talking about the real risk of extinction. You may not care, but are you going to deny Connen-Neute the chance to live a full life? Yes, I know right now he’s bound and determined to have nothing to do with you, but he is young. Give him a chance.”

  Connen-Neute cringed. “Sorry. Not my idea,” he whispered privately into her mind.

  Alissa said nothing, her eyes sullenly on the table, her ankle tapping the leg of her chair.

  “Be patient,” Useless said softly. “Someday you will be free to go where you want. But not yet. You are too young, too inexperienced. Last fall, you got out of the plains by the skin of your teeth.” Clearly frustrated, he raised his abnormally long hands in explanation. “You can pass for human. I can’t. For all my strength, I’m useless. I can’t come rescue you, and I won’t let you risk your life again until I know you can handle yourself.”

  “I can take care of myself. I’ll be fine,” she muttered.

  “You’ll be staying here.” Useless crossed his arms, making him look more like a dignified teacher than usual. “Sometimes,” he said in a serious voice, “you learn more by not doing something than by doing it.”

  Alissa took an angry, frustrated breath. “What the Bone and Ash does that mean!” she exclaimed as she stood up.

  “Alissa,” Useless said, the first hint of real anger crossing him. “I’m going to be very clear about this. I am confining you to the Hold. I don’t want you even in the foothills.”

  For three heartbeats, she stared at him. “But you let me go before—”

  “Not anymore.” Useless’s jaw was set firmly.

  Her breath came fast, and her body demanded action. Heart beating wildly, she stood. “You overgrown, snotty, know-it-all lizard!” she shouted, sending Connen-Neute staggering backward in fright. “You’re hiding behind rules invented for your convenience. Rules were made to be broken. Only the law must be obeyed!”

  Frustrated, she spun to the garden. She took three steps, gasping as she jerked to a halt when a ward snapped over her. Her thoughts white-hot and angry, she burned the ward aside. Shocked Useless would even try to bind her that way, she spun round to find him right behind her. “I’m going into the garden,” she said, hating her sudden fear.

  He reached out and gripped her arm. “Where did you hear that?”

  Frightened, she jerked away. “What does it matter?” She stormed out, slamming the door behind her.

  Her steps quick and stilted, she stomped down the new gravel path to the firepit. Arms clasped tightly about herself, she fumed. Useless was being overprotective. Getting confined in a plains jail for dissident behavior hadn’t been her fault. And she had gotten out on her own.

  The door to the kitchen opened behind her, hitting the supporting wall with a bang.

  Alissa whipped about. Her eyes widened. Useless stood tall, framed by the archway. His usually placid face was fierce. His golden eyes were intent, as if on prey. He caught sight of her. “Alissa!” he all but shouted, striding forward.

  In a surge of fear, she shifted to her raku form. Beast stirred to life, the full awareness of the insults Alissa had heaped upon Useless crashing down on both of them. “Fly!” Alissa shrieked into their shared thoughts. She had pushed Useless too far and finally found his limits.

  Beast took over. Haunches bunching, they leapt into the air. An almost crippling tug on her thoughts told her Useless had shifted to his raku form as well. Fighting for height, Alissa circled the tower. Her wings struggled to beat faster. She had to outdistance him. He would thrash her. He would ground her and not let her read anything for a week!

  “Alissa!” came Useless’s thought. “Wait!”

  She didn’t. Frantic, she looked behind her. Useless was following her wrathfully. His golden wings were almost a third again as large as hers. “Fly!” she shouted out loud, hearing her cry as a terrified, guttural sound. He was the only thing that could catch her, the only thing that had ever brought her down. The only thing she was afraid of.

  They reached the top of the tower. Alissa clutched at it, her long, clawlike hands scrabbling. She propelled them forward. Still flying, Beast ran them across the top of the flat roof. They reached the edge. Beast gathered them for a mighty leap to add to their speed.

  “Go!” Alissa exclaimed. Haunches bunched, breath gathered, and they leapt.

  She shrieked as a savage claw gripped her ankle. Jerked to a halt, Alissa fell. Her chin smacked into the railing, and she cried out. Tears of pain and fear blurred her vision. Wings flailing, she cowered, backing her bulk into a corner. The long claws slipped from her. Her tail whipped around her submissively, and she lowered her head almost to the paving stones. Beast vanished from her thoughts, leaving her alone to suffer what her mouth had gotten her into.

  “I’m sorry!” Alissa thought frantically. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’ll never talk back again. Please, Useless,” she pleaded, afraid he was going to hit her. She had said so many disrespectful things. “I’ll stay here. I’ll be good!”

  “Where did you hear that?” he asked, the intentness of his thought shocking her.

  Head on the paving stones, she peered up at him. Her wing tips quivered. She had forgotten how much bigger he was as a raku than she was. Useless towered over her, the sun glinting through his great wings as he was clearly too agitated to fold them.

  “What?” she asked. He took a step forward. She gasped as his shadow fell over her. Hind legs scraping at the stones, she tried to scrunch her great bulk farther into the corner.

  “Where did you hear that?” he asked. “Who told you that only the law must be obeyed?”

  She let out her held breath, holding the next one as well. Frightened, she snuck a quick look at him. She wasn’t very good at read
ing raku expressions, but she would be blind not to recognize his agitation from the way his stubby, truncated tail whipped the air.

  He reached out one clawed forearm with incredible suddenness. Her breath came in a panicked sound as he pinned her wing to the paving stones. “I’m sorry!” she cried out. “I won’t do it again. I promise! Useless, I’m sorry!”

  She cowered, watching his shadow tremble. “Alissa,” he said, his thoughts precise and impatient as they slid into hers. “I’m not going to strike you. Though the Navigator knows you deserve it.”

  She angled her head up, disbelieving. Useless’s triangular head dropped to hers. “And if you ever speak to me like that in front of Connen-Neute again,” he intoned into her thoughts, “I will lock you in the holden for sixteen years.”

  “Yes, Useless,” she stammered, her pulse slowing. She released the breath she’d been holding in a quick sound as he lifted his grip on her and backed up a step. With a tug on her thoughts, he disappeared in a swirl of gray, coalescing back down to his less formidable, human shift. He squinted in the sun as he came to stand by her head.

  “Now,” he said, able to talk as he again had vocal cords. “Who told you that?”

  “Silla,” she said. “Silla told me that.” He paced forward, his eyes fever bright. Alissa jerked her head up out of his reach. “I’m sorry!” she cried. “Is it wrong? I won’t say it again!”

  Useless jerked to a stop. He clasped his hands behind his back and took a slow breath. His lips pursed. “Who is Silla?” he asked, his voice deceptively soft.

  “Just a dream,” Alissa said, mystified. “I used to dream about her when I was lonely. Before I became a Master.” Alissa felt herself blush. Looking down, she noticed her gold color had shifted to almost pink. It was embarrassing to admit that she had dreams so real that Silla seemed like a friend.

  Useless made a slow, strength-gathering blink. “Raku or human?” he asked softly.

  “Ah . . . raku,” Alissa said, remembering Silla’s long fingers and golden eyes. Alissa had first dreamed of Silla even before she had found the Hold, catching the young woman halfway out her bedroom window during a dream of her father. Her imaginary friend had since found her occasional way into several other dreams, usually when Alissa was unusually tired or upset, coming to cheer her up with tales of her own trials and frustrations with her own teacher.

  Alissa slowly lowered her head, easing into a more comfortable crouch. It suddenly struck her as odd that she would dream of a girl with a raku’s long fingers and golden eyes even before she knew Masters had them in their human shift.

  “How—how old is she?” Useless asked.

  He was pacing, and Alissa stared until he slid to a halt before her. She had thought she was going to be beaten, or at the very least chastised severely. “Younger than me,” she said. “But not much.” She felt her pulse slow. “Should I not say it?” she questioned.

  He ran a quick hand over his short white hair. “That would make sense. That might explain it. Do you dream of her every night or just sometimes?”

  Bewildered, Alissa lowered her head to his height. “Hardly at all anymore. I dreamed of her a lot when I was recovering from that burn across my tracings three winters ago.” Her pulse slowed, not believing that he was more upset about what she had said than her insults.

  “The daytime,” Useless said, alarming her with the intentness of his words. “You dream of her in the daytime.”

  Alissa nodded, just now realizing it.

  “What does she wear?” he demanded. “You said she was a raku. She can shift to human form, yes?”

  Alissa drew back, wondering if Useless might be losing his grip. Slowly she looked over the edge of the railing, wishing Connen-Neute would appear. “Master’s attire.”

  “No,” Useless said impatiently. “What color?”

  “Purple, with a red sash.”

  Useless’s eyes lit up. “Connen-Neute!” he shouted with his thoughts, and Alissa winced at the strength of it. “Come to the roof!” A smile, looking not out of place but rather giddy, blossomed over him. “They’re alive,” he said almost to himself as he went to the edge and looked down into the garden for Connen-Neute. “They’re alive! And you have again done the impossible.”

  3

  Alissa anxiously blew out her breath, ruffling her hair with her exhalation. “But I’m not sleepy,” she complained, her eyes darting from one man to the next.

  Useless settled himself to the back of his chair in exasperation. Running a hand atop the bristles of his short white hair, he scowled over the curtain-darkened dining hall. Strell and Lodesh were in separate corners, trying to stay out of the way. Connen-Neute sat sideways on a hard-backed chair, looking sullen that she was being taught a new ward and he wasn’t.

  The fire was high and the room was stuffy. Redal-Stan’s old chair before the fire seemed to cradle her, and she drew her legs up under her, pushing herself back farther into the cushions. The overstuffed monstrosity was a salute to comfort, and Alissa always felt near to the gruff, fatherly Master from the Hold’s past when she sat in it.

  She ran a nervous thumb across the faded pattern, wishing he was here. He would understand, and if not, she would feel comfortable enough to tell him why she was afraid to put herself into a trance. The old Master had helped her when she found herself shifted into the past, accepting with a shocked wonder who she was and where she had come from, trying to help her when it was clear she was going to slowly lose her mind from her jump through time. Though she had known him for only a short time, she missed him. Inhaling deeply, she imagined she could smell book paste.

  Talon chittered soothingly from the arm of her chair, and Alissa brought herself back to the present with a sigh. Her tension returned as she met Useless’s gaze. “It doesn’t matter that you aren’t sleepy,” he said with a mix of understanding and impatience. “You aren’t trying to sleep. It’s a trance, a deep state of concentration. You’ve done this before—”

  “Not on purpose,” she interrupted, showing a questionable lack of common sense. Eyes dropping at his sudden frown, she whispered, “Sorry.”

  Her thoughts swung wildly back to Bailic and the trance he had lulled her into three winters ago. The insane Keeper had been more powerful than she, fluent in the skills Alissa was only just learning. She had been helpless in his grip; with his voice alone he had unknowingly opened the way for Useless to enter her mind and speak through her. It had ultimately saved her life, but looking back on it now, it frightened her.

  She put a hand to her middle. To do as Useless asked would put her where the ground might fall out from under her feet. Bad things happened when she lost her volition. She had gone feral when her book of First Truth had taken over her mind to teach her how to shift. When Bailic had lulled her into a trance, the evening had ended with her burning her mind so deeply she almost died. Beast had once unwillingly taken her over when Alissa loosened her grip in an instant of anger. And to voluntarily put her will in another’s hands again, to allow them to manipulate her at their whim, was too much to ask.

  Useless adjusted his sash, obviously not seeing the problem. “As I was saying, you’ve done this before. You can do it again. I’ll run the ward for you, if that’s what concerns you.”

  “No!” she exclaimed, unwilling to admit the reason for her reluctance. “I’ll do it myself.” She hesitated. “Maybe we should wait and try tonight. The sun is nearly crested.”

  “That is the whole point!” Useless burst out. Taking a slow breath, he set his hands on his lap. “I don’t understand all of it,” he said calmly. “But you said when you dream of Silla, the beach is white sand, not gravel. You dream of her only when the sun is up. Silla is a Master, born to those that left twenty years ago. They’re alive, and I think they’re so far away that it’s night there when it’s day here.”

  Alissa arched her eyebrows in disbelief. Even Connen-Neute, usually able to accept anything on faith, cleared his throat in doubt. “
You—ah—can’t send thoughts beyond the curve of the earth,” the young Master protested meekly, flinching when Useless gave him a black look.

  “Perhaps Alissa is bouncing her thoughts off the bottoms of clouds,” Useless said in a bother. “Perhaps because they are both asleep they only need to go halfway. Perhaps it’s because Alissa was born a human instead of a raku. How should I know what she is doing? But Silla is real, and she knows Keribdis. My wife was forever throwing that phrase about rules and the law at me. Every burning-ash time we argued.”

  Connen-Neute moved uneasily in his chair. Brow pinched, he fingered the red sash around his waist. Alissa went slack in thought. Silla wore a red sash as well. Sashes were marks of teaching lineage. Her eyes widened. Keribdis had been Connen-Neute’s teacher?

  “Alissa,” Useless said, jerking her attention back. “You’ve memorized the pattern needed to maintain a trance without sacrificing your lucid state. Just set it up and run it. I’ve tried to reach both Silla and Keribdis. I can’t do it.” His expression was fierce with longing.

  Anxiety tightened her shoulders, and she glanced at Strell and Lodesh. Lodesh gestured she should try, but Strell had a helpless, knowing look. Miserable, she met Useless’s golden eyes, the fire setting the brown flecks within them aglow. His pain was obvious. For two decades he had believed Keribdis was dead, and their last words to each other had been harsh and unforgiving. “I—I can’t . . .” she said, ashamed to admit she was frightened.

  “Why not?” he shouted, gesturing wildly.

  Her eyes widened. Staring fiercely at the fire, she refused to cry. She wanted to run, but the memory of being pinned to the Hold’s tower kept her unmoving.

  Seeing her obvious misery, Useless fell back against his chair. “Please, Alissa,” he amended softly. “I’m your teacher. Tell me why you can’t?”

  Still she wouldn’t say anything, keeping her hands tight in her lap and her eyes riveted to the fire. The silence in the dark, stuffy room became uncomfortable.

  “Um,” Strell offered, his low voice hesitant. “Can I talk to Alissa for a moment?”